Naked Heart Wearing Thin
by Keydieh Hurst
Summary: 25 Days of Voyager: Day 2 - The Ocampan elogium is contagious. Who'd have thought?


**Naked Heart Wearing Thin**

Her eyes strayed to her left again. She had lost count of how many times she had been distracted by some movement from him. Just when her eyes settled on his, he bent/tilted his head slightly and tugged on his ear. Unprepared for this simple gesture, she suddenly felt a shot of arousal straight to her groin and her nipples harden painfully under her stiff uniform. She stretched imperceptibly but realized that the infinitesimal movement made it worse, so she forced herself to sit as still as possible.

Chakotay looked at Kathryn when she moved just a fraction and caught her just as her eyelids fluttered closed for a moment. A split second later she stiffened and her eyes opened again. She seemed to have trouble focussing.

He tried to catch her attention and when she finally looked at him, she gave him a crooked smile that didn't quite distract him from the slight blush.

"Where were you just now?" His dimpled grin flustered her and she had to avert her eyes the smile remaining on her face, however. He almost didn't hear her quietly mumbled reply.

"Right here."

=/\=

His fingers moved over the console between their seats, and the moment his index finger pressed a button in three quick taps she felt a pang go directly to the apex of her thighs.

 _Captain?_

She was transfixed by the back and forth movement, the press and glide; she could almost imagine they were moving towards her. Her lips fell open in expectation of his touch.

 _Captain?_ Yes, yes, she should be the Captain now, should behave like a captain, not a horny madwoman.

She was in so much trouble. Her breath hitched and her eyes fell closed when she thought she actually felt his fingers on her.

 _It will be fine._

Oh yes, it would be, if she could just…if he would just...

She moved a little, just a fraction, causing a tiny sound to escape her throat. His fingers are still on her, more insistent now, wrapping around her hand and she imagined them sliding over it and down into her seat, between her thighs, right to...

"Yes." Her eyes snapped open. Did she just say that out loud?

It took a moment too long for her to focus and find his eyes, trained on her face, worried.

"Are you alright?"

She sat up straight, moved her hands over the front of her uniform, removing imaginary wrinkles, then decided it was a bad idea as she grazed over her breasts. Her nipples ached even through the thick layers of clothing.

"Yes," she finally breathed out, avoiding his gaze, as she was sure she wouldn't be able to say anything coherent if she looked at his lips now - or would say something appalling.

"Are you sure? You look a little flushed." What could she possibly say to that? If only he'd be a little less perceptive about her sometimes.

"I'm sure. I'm just…" she struggled to find a decent explanation.

"Worried about Kes?"

"Yes...and no. I know she'll be fine. **They** will be fine."

"But it's Kes and you can't help but worry a little bit?"

She looked at him then and gave him that crooked half smile he loved so much. He knew her too well and she wondered if one day that would be her downfall.

"Why don't you take a break and go down there and catch up with her?" And get away from those fingers and those lips and those dimples. And those eyes. And dammit, that tongue that had just sneaked out to wet his lips.

"Excellent idea, Commander." She threw in the rank for good measure, to ground herself and remind herself of all the reasons she was not permanently glued to those lips and that tongue.

=/\=

Kathryn entered sickbay through the lab door, hoping to catch the Doctor in his office. Both the lab and the office were quiet, however, so she followed the susurrus swirl of quiet conversation to the main bay. She hovered just in sight of the surgical bay. The Doctor was massaging Kes' feet again, and they were deeply engrossed in their conversation, neither of them noticing the Captain watching them. She felt a swelling in her chest as she watched a shy smile come over Kes' lips. Not even 24 hours earlier Kathryn had been sitting with her, relieving the Doctor of his massaging duty to tend to other patients. Kes had confided in her about her worries and her hopes for the future.

Suddenly the image before her eyes changed and Kes turned into Kathryn herself, belly ripe with child, and her swollen feet were being massaged not by the Doctor, but by Chakotay. Startled, Kathryn shook her head free of the mental image and frowned.

The movement caught Kes' attention and she gave Kathryn a bright smile, causing the Doctor to turn around as well. When she nodded at Kes but didn't move towards them, the Doctor understood that she needed his attention. He said something to Kes and when she nodded he joined the Captain in his office.

"What can I do for you, Captain?"

"How is Kes?" She knew she was evading her own reason for coming down to sickbay, but she couldn't help it.

"Nervous, as can be expected," He quickly looked towards the young Ocampa. "But I believe she will be fine with Mr. Neelix's support." When Janeway didn't respond he looked at her again. She was chewing her bottom lip her gaze fixed on Kes. "That's not what brings you here, is it?"

Kathryn shook her head slightly, both in response and to clear her thoughts. "I've been having trouble concentrating." That was the understatement of the year, but she was reluctant to reveal more.

"Let's see, you're overworked, you don't sleep enough, you don't eat enough, you consume too much caffeine. I'm not surprised your bad habits are finally catching up with you."

"It's not...it's more than just exhaustion and coffee."

"I wasn't aware you were proficient in the field of medicine as well, Captain."

Janeway rolled her eyes and turned towards the Doctor, her eyes clearly signaling her annoyance. "I'm telling you it's not normal. I don't just have trouble concentrating. I can focus fine, but not on the things I need to focus on. I keep being distracted by other things."

"Other things like?"

"Urges."

"You're human, Captain. Naturally you'll be distracted by your natural urges."

"But not to this extent, and I have never had trouble with _this_ urge."

"Maybe if you specified which urge exactly we are talking about…"

"I'm constantly aroused," she finally blurted out. "I can't do my job if I constantly think about sex."

"You're not the only crewmember who's been distracted lately," The Doctor explained, but finally retrieved a medical tricorder. "But since I have you with me of your own will, I might as well give you a check-up."

Kathryn sighed when he finally opened his tricorder and started scanning her. She was desperately clinging to the hope that there was some medical explanation for her overwhelming desire to jump Chakotay's bones. Something she could actively do something against. Something that would be temporary and could easily be resolved.

"Captain, it seems I have to apologize to you." The Doctor declared when he closed the tricorder and walked around his desk to activate his workstation. He turned it around for Janeway to see. "With the amount of hormones raging in your body it is a miracle you can concentrate at all instead of jumping just about anything that moves."

"Doctor!" Although his assessment seemed correct, she certainly felt that way, she felt the need to defend herself.

"Your temperature is slightly elevated, but not dangerously so. All symptoms point to simple ovulation but considering the unusual amount of hormones I'd like to run a few more tests."

"Will that take long?"

"Not at all. We can do it right away."

"I don't want to alert anyone. Com me later when we have more privacy?" Understanding what the Captain was hinting at with a short glance in Kes' direction, he just nodded.

Kathryn left sickbay and headed for the turbolift, undecided if she should go back to the bridge or finish the rest of her shift reading reports safely secluded in her quarters.

When the 'lift door opened her heart skipped a beat at finding Chakotay in it. She hesitated stepping in, not sure if it was a wise move. The decision was taken out of her hands when Chakotay stepped to the side to unnecessarily make room for her. It would rouse his suspicion if she refused to take the lift. She kept a careful distance as she stiffly stood next to him, but his smell was starting to get to her anyway. She felt her breath shortening and felt warm under her uniform. When she craned his neck to release some of the tension she suddenly felt his warm breath against her ear.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine," she croaked out, unconsciously stepping away from him.

"Kathryn?" Her movement hadn't gone unnoticed by him.

She kept her eyes straight at the wall and tried to keep her focus well away from him. She felt the sweat break out in the back of her neck and fought the urge to straighten her back in discomfort. She lost sight of the nice spot on the wall when Chakotay stepped straight into her line of vision.

"Are you sure you're alright, Captain?"

"Quite." It came out breathier than she had intentioned and she made the fatal mistake of raising her eyes to his. Or almost to his. She was stopped short by his lips at just the right height.

Unconsciously her tongue came out to wet her lip and only when his hands came up to grasp her shoulders and steady her did she notice that she had been leaning towards him. Her eyes tore open and as she leaned away from him she met his questioning gaze. She was still struggling to find any explanation for her behaviour when the doors opened to the bridge. Chakotay stepped out and glanced back towards her when she failed to follow.

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway." Saved by the com.

"I forgot something," she quietly told Chakotay before activating her combadge. "Doctor, I'll be right there. Computer, Deck three." She threw a strained smile at Chakotay when the doors slid close between them.

Chakotay stared at the closed doors a few seconds then met Ensign Kim's confused look. With a slight shrug that belied his worry, he turned and took his seat in the command center.

=/\=

"That was fast, Captain." The Doctor was surprised when Captain Janeway strode through the doors and headed straight for for a biobed, flopping herself down unceremoniously.

"Can we get this over with as quickly as possible, please?"

"Your wish is my command. Please lie back." As Kathryn lay down, the Doctor raised the clam shell over her and activated a deep tissue scan. "This will only take a few minutes. I'll be right out."

"Do you have any theories yet?" Kathryn quickly asked before he could leave.

"Our proximity to the creatures may raise everyone's hormone levels, but not in the amount that is evident in your system, Captain. Can you think of anything you may have done differently to the rest of the crew?"

"No one else has reported in with unusual symptoms?"

The Doctor shook his head. "Except for Kes, I have not been made aware of any crew member feeling any different."

Kathryn thought hard, trying to find anything that might explain why she was affected so strongly when the rest of the crew remained apparently unaffected. Everyone except Kes. Kes!

"Kes!" Kathryn's head snapped up and she looked straight at the Doctor.

"Captain?"

"Was anyone besides you and me in direct contact with Kes?"

"Mr Neelix was here quite a lot. But you should ask her yourself."

With that he headed for his office, leaving Kathryn to her own thoughts. She was aware that she had almost kissed Chakotay in the turbolift and if the Doctor hadn't called, Chakotay would probably have wanted to speak to her in private. She wasn't sure she could have kept a rein on her raging hormones in the privacy of her Ready Room. She felt ready to jump out of her own skin whenever Chakotay was near enough that she could feel his body heat, or his breath against her skin, or his hand on her arm. Her eyes fluttered closed as her mind was swamped with unbidden images, and she felt a hot rush go through her.

She didn't hear the Doctor return and jumped when she felt him touch her. The clam shell was lowering and Kathryn was free to sit up.

"Captain," he said in a calm and soothing voice, "We're done here. If you'll follow me, please."

She followed him into his office and sat down across from him, not sure what she was expecting to hear.

"I'm afraid I don't have good news." He turned his monitor so she could look at it and it took her a split second to realize what she was seeing.

"You'll surely recognize your ovaries," when she nodded he gestured towards tiny bumps on the surface, "what you see here are morphological changes that signify follicular growth. Normally, a woman in her childbearing years should have two waves of follicular development. Since you're on contraceptives, you should have none. What we see here, though, are several different stages of follicular growth. With diameters suggesting several single follicules already reaching the development stage of a mature egg. A deeper tissue scan revealed tat instead of 15-20 follicles developing, a high number of them have become active. I detected at least 5 times more antral follicles than a woman your age should have. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that you came into contact with something in the last 5-10 days, that caused a hormone spike so drastic that it jump-started your fertility. If your follicle development progresses at this rate, I'm afraid all of your remaining oocytes will mature within the next 20 days. If I don't find a way to reverse this process…"

"I won't be able to conceive naturally." While Kathryn didn't know all the finer details about human biology she did understand that no remaining eggs meant no children.

The sound of her voice sounded hollow to her own ears. The Doctor's news was like a blow to the face and yet, she couldn't grasp the correct emotion. She was aware that it was most likely shock. She vaguely heard the Doctor talk about options, but she was in a daze and only single words filtered through to her. She knew she must have zones out when the Doctor pressed something against her neck.

"I want you to wear this monitor so I'll be alerted to any hormonal spikes." He sat back down and his eyes sought hers. "Captain, as I said earlier, with the amount of hormones in your system it's a miracle you're thinking straight. I could relieve you of duty, but I'd rather you confine yourself to your quarters without my intervention. I'm sure the commander can deal with any immediate crises, and you'll only be a comcall away."

He was surprised when Kathryn nodded and left without another word. He watched her leave and informed Chakotay that the Captain would not return to duty, then set to work to find a way to reverse the Captain's condition.

=/\=

"Captain," Kes greeted her with a bright smile when she stepped into her quarters.

"Thank you for seeing me, Kes." The young Ocampa could see Janeway's hesitation, and it was obvious that she hadn't come for a social visit.

"What can I do for you?" she prompted gently as Kathryn sat down next to her.

"There's something I need to talk to you about. It may be too personal and you can refuse to answer, of course…"

"You can ask me anything, Captain."

"Kes, you mentioned that if you were home your father would massage your feet. Is it usually the father or do other people sometimes perform this task as well?"

"It was always the father with everyone I knew. It's not forbidden for other people to do it, but it's just custom for the father to accompany his daughter into definite adulthood in this way." Kes looked at her Captain with curiosity. "Why do you ask, Captain?"

"I'm not sure yet…" Kathryn trailed off in thought, then seemed to collect herself and smiled at Kes. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," the young Ocampa said with a hint of hesitancy in her voice.

"But?" Kathryn prodded gently, encouraging Kes to share her worries if she had any.

"I was so sure that this is what I wanted and should do, I never questioned it. But now that I have it within grasp and Neelix has agreed..." She shrugged, unsure how to voice what she felt. She was relieved when she saw Kathryn smile in understanding.

"That's perfectly normal. I always thought I would have kids one day. I always wanted one. But thinking about the prospect is different from having it within grasp and needing to decide if that is what you really want. It's not an easy decision. You'd be responsible for a life. That's not something you can just take back." Kathryn squeezed Kes' hand in a comforting gesture.

"You're responsible for over 160 lives, Captain, I'm struggling with the decision to be responsible for only one."

"But that was a conscious decision, not something that just happened. And you'd be taking care of a helpless individual. You would have to help it grow and learn. This crew," Kathryn sighed for a second, "they are anything but helpless and I hardly need to help them grow. I'm responsible for their lives and their well-being, but they are fully formed individuals."

They both fell silent, both lost in their own thoughts and it took Neelix's return for Kathryn to realize that she should leave and speak to the Doctor.

"Thank you, Kes." She stood up and straightened her uniform.

"Thank _you_ , Captain." Kathryn gave Neelix a nod as she left.

=/\=

"Most interesting idea, Captain." The Doctor's voice sounded distracted over the open com link.

As soon as Janeway had informed him about her talk with Kes, the Doctor had set to work comparing both patients' scans. Kathryn had settled on the couch in her quarters with a soothing tea cradled between her hands as she talked to the Doctor. He intermittently talked to her and asked questions while she reported her theory on the effect of Kes' elogium on her own biology. They had both come to the conclusion that the Captain had been the only woman to touch Kes since her Elogium had started. Since then he had been comparing scans of Kes, Kathryn and the creatures outside to find a solution that could possible help Kathryn and maybe even stop Kes' elogium if she chose so.

"Have you thought about the options I mentioned?" The Doctor suddenly asked.

"Options?" Kathryn had been so hopeful listening to the Doctor work that she had forgotten about the talk he had given her in sickbay.

"If I am unable to find a solution within the next 20 days."

"I'm sorry, Doctor, I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to absorb all your information."

"I'll send you a list of options. They aren't plentiful, but you should choose wisely." Kathryn heard the message signal and sat down at her console to open the document. She quickly glanced over the short list.

"Doctor, some of these just aren't feasible."

"All of the options I sent you are within the realm of possibility. How you wish to proceed is your choice. I have clearly stated which option is the most viable. That's about all I can do right now. I am a Doctor, not a matchmaker. And while I hope to make it unnecessary to make your choice now, it's not within my capacity to choose the father to your children. If you wish, however, I could present you with the most promising genetic matches."

"That'll be enough, Doctor." The annoyance in Janeway's voice was unmistakable as she closed the comlink.

She sighed and leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes just for a moment.

The door chime woke her and she jumped out of her chair as she called entry automatically.

She came face to face with a very worried Chakotay and the doors closed behind him before she could say anything.

"Out with it," he demanded as he made himself comfortable in her armchair, looking at her expectantly.

"Chakotay?" Kathryn asked with her brow raised as she walked around the coffee table and reclaimed her seat on the couch.

"Don't play dumb with me, Kathryn," his tone was gentle but demanding as he leaned towards her and she wondered when he had gotten so comfortable in her quarters and her presence. It was a thought that made her tingle all over and a slow warmth spread throughout her middle. "You've been coming unglued these past days, you keep keep going to sickbay - and before you claim that, I know it wasn't just to see Kes - you didn't return to duty today and now," he gestured towards her neck, "you're wearing a monitor. So don't tell me it's nothing or that you're fine."

"You're right." Her eyes were glued to his face physically unable to stray anywhere else in the room.

"I am?" He was more surprised that she admitted it.

"I saw the Doctor and he requested I wear the monitor," she rolled her eyes. "It's nothing life threatening."

"But there is something wrong." Kathryn only nodded. It was not a conversation she had hoped to have with him, even though her thoughts had strayed towards him and only him while she read through the Doctor's proposed options.

"Is there anything he can do?" He felt a cold dread slowly wind around his heart.

"Hopefully," she nodded again as her eyes lingered on his lips now, "he's still investigating."

"Can you tell me what it is about?"

"I shouldn't."

"But you want to." He was hopeful when her gaze was still glued to him with no sign of retreating.

"Yes," she breathed, her eyelids fluttering for a moment before she seemed to get a grasp on herself again.

Chakotay took the chance and sat down next to her, much closer than propriety allowed, much closer than she would have allowed under normal circumstance. But she didn't object when his thigh pressed against hers and he took her hand between both of his. "Then tell me."

"It's very personal." Just like in the turbolift, she leaned into him again and Chakotay had to put his hands between them to keep her from falling into him.

"I don't mind."

"You may not want to know." Her eyes searched his again, and he thought he saw doubt.

"I want to know everything about you." He whispered with conviction.

"I don't want to hold back." Their closeness was getting to her head, and she shook her head to clear her thoughts. "Hold anything back," she corrected herself, making the statement only slightly better.

"Tell me." Chakotay lay his hand against her head and she cradled her cheek into it. It was all he could do not to press his mouth against hers and wrap her into his arms, but he needed to know what was affecting her this way.

"I've always wanted children." He wondered what that had to do with anything. Her eyes closed as she swallowed heavily. "I can't...not now."

"You can have children later. When we're home." She squeezed his hand as if to draw strength from him.

"I don't have time."

"Kathryn, you're still young, you have all the time in the world." She shook her head with vehemence.

"I can't…" She tried to pull her hand from his grasp then, "I can't think when you're touching me." She explained as she pulled back and stood up. "It's better if I show you."

She got her portable monitor and set it down on her coffee table. Activating it she presented the Doctor's report and his short list of options to Chakotay. She leaned back on the couch as he leaned towards the screen. She observed every miniscule facial gesture as he read the report and waited for him to finish, her heart thumping loudly in her chest, the rushing in her ears getting louder and louder by the minute.

Finally, his gaze lifted from the screen and he looked at her. She wasn't sure about the expression on his face, but it was moot trying to decipher it when he pulled her into a long bear hug.

"Oh Kathryn," he breathed when he released her. "He hasn't found a solution yet?"

"And those are your only options?"

"Conceiving now is out of the question," she shrugged as if that was a given, and although Chakotay didn't necessarily agree, he understood her reasoning. "That leaves me with two options, which are basically just one really."

"He'd have to extract your eggs and put them into stasis…" He looked at the screen then back at her. "You don't like that idea."

"Would you?" She grinned at Chakotay's immediate grimace. "Even with today's medical achievements, it's highly unlikely a stable pregnancy can develop from eggs that are kept in stasis for so long."

"But we may not take as long getting home as we now think, and," he squeezed her hand again, "the chances would be much higher if your eggs were inseminated."

Kathryn huffed at that as if it was a bad joke. "You think I should take the Doctor up on his offer to give me a list of most promising genetic matches? I can't just order a member of my crew to hand over their genetic material."

"First of all, you wouldn't have to order most of them," Kathryn rolled her eyes at that. "And second, there's at least one person right here in this room who you know wouldn't hesitate to-" cough- "inseminate those eggs."

"I shouldn't even grace that with an answer."

"I'm serious, Kathryn. I meant what I said when we left the 37s. There's no place I'd rather be and no person I'd rather be with. And I can't imagine any other person as the mother of my children."

"I can't ask this of you. Not when I can't give you anything."

"You're giving me hope. A clear sign that I'm not a stupid old fool, and that's all I need."

"You're not old."

"I may be stupid offering what you may not even want, but I think you wouldn't have told me if you didn't want me included in the decision."

"This would bind you to me. As long as these exist."

"What if I want to be bound to you?"

"Possibly forever?"

"It would also bind you to me, Kathryn. And what I am hearing is that you'd be willing, that you'd want that or you wouldn't be asking."

"I'm not asking."

"No and you never would. But you're telling me, which means you have entertained the idea and you didn't reject it. The Doctor didn't tell you to fertilize your ovaries with _my_ sperm, he told you the chances are better if they were fertilized. You made the decision to tell me, and give me choices and options."

"That sounds like I'm pressuring you."

"No, it sounds to me like you'd want me to be the father of your children. Not now, not under these circumstances. But eventually. I know you want to be a mother and you're telling me that you want me to be the father to those children you dream of. And Kathryn, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be the mother of my children."

"But?"

"But I want you to be able to change your mind."

"I won't."

"I hope you won't, as much as I hope we will get the chance to have those children. But I still want you to have that choice. I need you to have that choice."

"I don't think I'll need it. I hope I won't."

"I can spread my DNA over half the quadrant if I wanted to, but Kathryn, if we go forward with this, those stasis pods will be your only chance. What if you met someone else you want to father your children? Someone more suitable in your eyes?" He held up a hand when she started to object again. "Or if circumstances remove me from the equation for whatever reason?"

"I can't think about that. I refuse to think about that."

"That's why I have to do it." He took her hands in his and leaned closer towards her. "You're mind is clouded right now. You said yourself you can't think straight, so let me do that for you."

"What are you thinking?"

"I want you to fertilize only half your eggs. Leave the other half unfertilized. Keep your chance of a future without me."

"I don't want a future without you."

"And I don't want you to want one. I should be selfish, I could be, you're making it damned easy to be, but I love you too much for that. I don't want to bind you to me because that's your only option. If push comes to shove, I want you to choose me of your own free will. I want you to come to me when you're ready to have a future together, not because I'm the only option you have left. And I won't argue on that."

"I can't give you what you want. Not while we're out here."

"But do you want the same?"

"I can't have it."

"But do you want it?"

"Yes," she breathed, "I do. With all my heart."

"Then we'll put our future in stasis. We'll have it there within our grasp. And as a reminder if we need one. As something to work towards when we lose sight of why we're doing this."

"We may never get home." She was so quiet and Chakotay knew what it cost her to say it out loud. One of her greatest fears.

"We'll get there." He promised, thinking that home didn't necessarily have to be a place. "Kathryn?"

"Hm?"

"Can I hug you?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"If that is what you want?"

"Yes." Her smile lit her whole face as he engulfed her in a tight hug and she pressed her lips against his.

She had been fantasising about this for days but her hormone-induced fantasies didn't even come close to reality. His lips were soft and supple under hers and as she crept on his lap and pressed closer against him, his mouth opened and she slid her tongue along his palate.

Overwhelmed by her heat over him and her hands keeping his head firmly in place for her to devour him, he let his own hands roam over her back and along her sides, skimming the sides of her breasts. She moaned into his mouth as one hand palmed a breast and the other sneaked down to squeeze her buttock.

Chakotay felt his own needs rise as Kathryn's pelvis rocked against him. She broke the kiss and pressed her face into the crook of his neck as her moans turned into whimpers. Unable to resist, he just pressed her closer and used all his energy not to surge his own hips up against her. He couldn't believe Kathryn was dry humping him when just hours earlier she had tried to avoid him like the plague.

Although he was sure that her actions were most likely produced by her hormones, he argued with himself that a release would most likely help her get some relief.

He groaned when he felt her rut closer and her warm center slid over his throbbing member. Back and forth, back and forth. Their sounds mingled in the air between them and Chakotay's hand slid from her breast to her thigh when Kathryn leaned back to get press her hips more tightly against him.

He was mesmerized by the way her face contorted as her orgasm washed over her. So much that he didn't notice right away when her slender hands wandered down to his groin and attempted to open his pants. He was unaware of her movement until she wrapped her hand around his painfully erect member and he couldn't help but jerk against her.

"Wait." He stopped her when she pulled his pants and boxers down enough to free him and scooted forward.

"Chakotay," her voice was pleading and breathless.

"We can't do this." He was loud enough to shake her from her orgasm-induced stupor and when she realized what she had been about to do she was horrified.

She jumped up from him and rearranged her clothing, embarrassment tinging her cheeks a bright pink.

"Kathryn, look at me."

"I'm so sorry, Chakotay." She refused to meet his eyes. He closed his slacks and stood up.

"Kathryn," he took her chin and tilted her head up to his. "I love you."

She stopped her frantic movements and finally met his eyes, her own features softening when she saw the warmth and understanding in his.

"I'll want you anywhere and anytime and you don't have to apologize to me," he gave her a quick kiss before he continued, "but my mind is not clouded over by uncontrollable hormones and you made it clear that this is out of the question right now. So I'm being the responsible adult and I'm drawing the line here."

He stepped back from her then and walked towards the door. "When we no longer need that line, I'll be waiting. Goodnight, Kathryn."

=/\=

"Captain?" Chakotay greeted her as he stepped through the Ready Room doors. He relaxed as soon as they slid shut behind him.

Kathryn gestured for him to take a seat.

"What did the Doctor say?" He was nervous. While he was sure in his decision, he wouldn't be surprised if Kathryn had changed her mind.

"Kes is feeling better. The Doctor says her Elogium just stopped apparently as soon as we left the swarm."

Chakotay frowned. He had not expected shop talk when Kathryn returned from sickbay. He had expected a decision on whether they would go through with the insemination. She seemed cool though, almost distant.

"With all due respect, Kathryn," he stressed her name to let her know this was personal, "I'm happy for Kes, but there are more pressing matters for us."

"Do you remember my theory that my condition has something to do with Kes' elogium?"

"Yes?"

"Our problem," she stopped herself, " _my_ problem has resolved itself as well."

"Okay." Chakotay nodded slowly. "That is good news." He was sure of it, genuinely happy for her, in fact, but something nagged him. Something about the way she spoke to him. Something was lacking.

"What we did, Chakotay, and what we talked about…"

"I meant every word. I still do."

"I know, so did I." It was warmth. And the flirtatious undertone. That's what was missing, he suddenly thought. "But the way I acted, that was irresponsible and I'm glad to be back in control of all my faculties again."

"So I was just a momentary slip?" He knew he was being unfair, but his brain couldn't stop the words before his mouth had said them. She sighed heavily.

"No, but as a Captain…"

"I'm a luxury you can't afford," he interrupted her again without thinking.

"Yes." She was honest knowing the answer would hurt him - hell, it hurt her - but that it was necessary. "I'm sorry."

"I understand." He really did, or at least he tried to, but right now, it felt like she was pulling the rug out from under him, slowly and excruciatingly. He stood up to leave and it felt like he was leaving something enormous behind for good.

"Chakotay." It slipped out unwanted but unhindered. There was no way she could make this easier, but that didn't keep her from trying.

"I'm a patient man, Kathryn," he said before he triggered the door sensor. "I'll be on the other side of that line. When you decide we don't need it anymore, that's where I'll be."

=/\=

Kathryn stepped out into the cold air. It was early afternoon and the grey sky was anything but inviting for a stroll, but the dog at her side was insistent. She buried her face deep in the thick scarf around her neck and her hands in her pockets. The drop from the warm late summer weather to early winter had been sudden, and Kathryn felt as if they'd skipped fall entirely, although the leaves covering the ground in all shades between red and yellow belied her feeling. The air was cold enough to bite the tip of her nose but not uncomfortable enough to burn in her lungs. If she was honest, she loved this time of the year when the anticipation for winter and Christmas was slowly starting and she could almost imagine she smelled the first signs of snow in the cold air.

When she reached the open field, Kathryn gestured for her dog to sit and let her off the leash, smiling as the auburn ball of fur raced off as if she had been ensconced in the house for days rather than a few hours. With slow steps she followed after her and laughed when she saw her scare a flock of birds up from the field.

"Kathryn." She jumped slightly when she heard the familiar voice behind her.

"Chakotay." The surprise was obvious in her voice.

"You did call me," he unnecessarily explained as if he needed any defense for coming to see her.

"I wasn't expecting you so soon." She shrugged and smiled, reaching out to hug him.

"I had nothing better to do." _Nothing better than holding her close_ , he thought.

"Good." At least it shortened the time she had to keep thinking about her decision, minimized the risk of her changing her mind after all.

"You got a dog," Chakotay observed when she finally released him from her embrace and saw the setter race back towards them.

"Mark gave her to me," Kathryn smiled wistfully as her hand lovingly caressed the dog's head when it obediently sat down next to her. The slight tensing in Chakotay's posture didn't go unnoticed by her. "Molly died before we returned, but he had kept one puppy from her litter."

"She looks so young," Chakotay observed with a frown.

"She is." Kathryn picked up a stick and threw it for the dog to retrieve. "She's second generation. Mark kept the dog for me, especially when Molly was gone. I couldn't bring myself to separate them though."

"So she's Molly's grandpuppy?" Although he was happy for Kathryn, Chakotay felt his jealousy rising and he wasn't entirely sure he was hiding it well. Having your dog carry offspring just to give one to your ex-fiancée was a mighty big gesture and Chakotay didn't know what to think of it.

"Yes." Kathryn linked her arm through Chakotay's and pressed herself against him as they walked. "He found a breeder one of Molly's puppies had gone to and they were planning another litter. There was a choice of grandpuppy or great-grandpuppy, and Mark decided the more closely related to Molly the better. I'd have loved whichever dog, but he made the right choice."

"So, is there a lot of Molly in this one?" Chakotay was curious if the dog was an attempt to have her old life before Voyager back. And if it meant she wanted all of her old life back.

"Some, yes," Kathryn nodded, throwing the stick again, this time further. "But she's not Molly. She's her own dog with her own personality and I wouldn't want it any other way. I can't have Molly back. And I wouldn't want to replace her."

Chakotay had keep himself from reading too much into Kathryn's word. Was she talking about her dog? Or was she talking about Mark?

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"Since we're on the topic," she frowned at her own stupid transition, but there was no easy way to say it, "I think I'm ready."

"Ready?"

"To see if we can make this work."

"Breeding your dog?" He felt incredibly dense unable to catch her meaning and causing Kathryn to laugh.

"Not the dog, no," she tilted her head waiting for the sign of understanding in his face, "and not right away."

"Oh...OH," he wanted to slap himself when her meaning finally hit him. The stasis unit she hadn't needed after all The babies they had imagine but never started. It had been so many years.

"Obviously we need to see if we can make this work between us," she gestured between them, "before we can get to the...breeding."

Chakotay stopped and turned towards her. He held her face between both of his hands and looked at her with a sincerity that made her shudder.

"I have not a single doubt that we can make this work. We will do better than just making it work. But until you're sure, Kathryn," he paused lowering his face towards hers until she could feel his breath against her lips, "we will get a lot of practice...breeding."


End file.
